


It's Getting Louder

by aromanticjungkook (missbutterfly)



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2020-05-01 19:25:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19184116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missbutterfly/pseuds/aromanticjungkook
Summary: "And you've never kissed anyone?" Javi asks, mouth twisted. "No one at all?"(Javi believes that everyone should be kissed at least once, which means Yuzu has to consider an interesting offer)





	1. The Offer

**Author's Note:**

> well
> 
> this happened 
> 
> shout out to my gc who convinced me to write this

"And you've never kissed anyone?" Javi asks, mouth twisted. "No one at all?"

This is why Yuzu always says no when Javi asks to hang out after the press winds down. At least Javi’s room has a comfy enough couch. 

"So?" Yuzu asks, fighting down the urge to scowl. 

It's not like it's a bad thing, but Yuzu isn't exactly working with an abundance of free time. Admittedly, he _does_ have people lining up to try, to both his embarrassment and joy. But it's not a lie when he tells people he has other priorities. Skating has, and likely always will, take precedence. Yuzu houses a particular hatred for the pitiful looks and creased brows that statement earns him sometimes; as if this wasn't his choice. The lack of romantic intimacy in his life is entirely down to planned circumstance, and nothing else.

Thankfully, Javi isn't looking at him like that. He looks mostly surprised, which is fair enough, Yuzu supposes. To Javi - patron saint of continuous monogamy - going a day without a held hand or kissed cheek is likely chest-numbing in its loneliness. Yuzu doesn't attribute the same feelings towards physicality as Javi does, and that’s fine. If anything, having someone cling too long makes his heart ache in a different way.

 _Don't go there_ , Yuzu reminds himself.

Yuzu watches as Javi collects himself. 

"I don't know," Javi says. "I guess I just assumed you'd have at least kissed someone."

"Why?"

"Well you're 21 for a start," Javi pauses. "No wait, 22. That's worse."

Yuzu regards him carefully. "Javi has a lot of feelings."

Javi frowns. "Well yeah. Everyone should be kissed at some point."

"I will," Yuzu says, unable to pinpoint exactly why he's reassuring Javi. It's probably the concerned expression. Javi's cheeks redden with how worked up he gets sometimes. It's cute.

Don't.

"I will kiss," Yuzu stresses. "One day. When I can."

The reassurance doesn't seem to work. If anything Javi's frown deepens. Yuzu's chest twists uncomfortably, like he's been caught mid-lie and can't break away from it. 

"Why Javi care?" Yuzu asks, annoyance beginning to bubble up. It's instantly soothed by the way Javi's mouth pinches, embarrassed.

"I don't," Javi states. "Not really. I'm just thinking about it."

Yuzu smiles and rolls his eyes. "I know," Yuzu says, reaching forward and going to flick Javi's forehead. He ducks away just in time. "But I'm fine."

"Why haven't you?" 

Yuzu gives him a deadpan look, the tips of his ears beginning to burn. Javi stares back at him, the crinkle of his eyes earnest - and ever so slightly teasing, sweet in that way only Javi can accomplish - and Yuzu feels the flush spread to his cheeks. He looks away first.

There are a lot of reasons; both accepted and uneasy truths. When he was younger he'd devoted himself to skating, and all other things were unintentionally pushed aside. All there was was the work. Growing pains and increased urges were - distractions. They were a way to get stronger. Ignore them and win; win over everyone who could never take it as seriously as him. Admittedly, the logic of a 14 year old trying desperately to gain proper control over too-long limbs probably wasn't the best thing to retain as he got older, but it's deep-seated. His instinct to look but not touch, to want but not give in, to hear and keep walking forward all feel like ingrained parts of him now. Thinking about kissing someone makes his fingers tingle nervously. It’s- it’s not part of the plan.

Especially not when-

_Stop it._

"Skating," Yuzu answers eventually, looking off into the corner. 

"Don't take this the wrong way," Javi starts. Yuzu immediately plans to take it in the worst way. "But that sounds like an excuse."

Yuzu is glad he prepared.

He turns to Javi sharply. "What you mean?"

Javi sighs. "You're taking it the wrong way."

"You say excuse," Yuzu stumbles over the word but soldiers on. "Why? It's the reason." 

"Is it?"

Yuzu's jaw clenches. He pins Javi with a cold look. "You think I need to lie?"

"No," Javi says honestly, soothing. "I just think you've decided that's the reason."

Yuzu has to take a second to translate whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. 

"It _is_ the reason," Yuzu says firmly.

Javi raises an eyebrow, managing to make the movement seem almost sharp. "So you don't want to?"

"It is not want," Yuzu stresses. "It is _is._ "

"So you do want to?"

Yuzu throws his hands up and turns bodily away from Javi, pulls his legs up on the couch and sinking into the corner of it. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Javi shuffle uncertainly.

"It doesn't matter if _want_ ," Yuzu replies, quiet and stilted.

Yuzu flinches when Javi lets out a coo, sliding closer towards him. Yuzu waits, silently begging for space, but Javi in his infinite ingrained need to comfort doesn't stop until his knee bumps the side of Yuzu's thigh, his hand coming up to rest on Yuzu's shoulder. The heat of his palm through Yuzu's t-shirt is so sudden in its intensity it's almost a painful throb. Yuzu pulls his shoulders up around his ears but Javi doesn't let go. He starts dragging his thumb in slow, calming circles. It sets Yuzu's teeth on edge.

Suddenly, Yuzu wishes he had just gone to bed. 

"Yuzu," Javi says, too close, too softly. "You are allowed to want things."

 _Am I?_ Yuzu thinks, snaps. 

"If you want something, skating shouldn't always get in the way. You're a person too, not just a skater," Javi says, like it's as simple as that, like any part of Yuzu is as simple as that. 

It's - it's enviable, Yuzu realises. This is the part of Javi Yuzu envies most; the fact that logic can be twisted to mean anything Javi wants it to; the flippant way he can accept anything if he looks at it the right way. Yuzu wishes he could do that. But Yuzu is and will for the foreseeable future be a skater first, and a person second. It’s alright. He’s had a long time to let himself grow into that. Yuzu is going to be _Yuzuru Hanyu, Japan,_ for the rest of his life. What he does now amounts to what that will actually mean. 

It's not as if Yuzu thinks Javi skates without pressure; if anything the opposite is true. Yuzu has watched from the sidelines for years as Javi toiled away, pushing his body to the limit, sweating day in and day out, carefully curbing injury and learning self-discipline. All because he wanted to prove himself, wanted to be the best in the world. _And now he is_ , Yuzu thinks bitterly. 

Yuzu can't just _have_ what he _wants_ right now. 

Yuzu doesn't say any of that. "I know," Yuzu says instead, sending Javi a tiny smile over his shoulder. "It's okay, Javi, I will kiss one day."

Javi smiles but the pull of his lips is strange.

"And it will be good," Yuzu teases, if a bit flatly.

Javi's brow rises again, and his hand, thankfully, slips from Yuzu's shoulder. Irritatingly, a part of Yuzu wants to take Javi's wrist and put it back. He squashes the thought.

"Oh?" Javi says, and then his smile is more familiar, a quick flash of teeth and kind eyes. "Well I hope so."

"You say I should kiss and then say it be bad?" Yuzu asks. 

Javi snickers a little. "Well you never know."

Yuzu elbows him. Javi jolts and sways back, closer than before. Yuzu is caught between pushing back into the couch and letting Javi's heat pull him forward. Resolutely, he doesn't move when Javi stops, nose only a hair's breadth away from his own. He stares at the space between Javi's brows, ignoring the way his heart kicks up in his chest.

"Because Javi is expert," Yuzu snarks. 

Javi's gentle huff of laughter sends his breath skittering across Yuzu's mouth. Yuzu swallows and clamps down hard on the inside of his cheeks. Javi smells slightly of alcohol - mostly of shower gel and shaving cream. It's a heady mix. If Yuzu pushed forward he could press his nose to the smooth skin of Javi's cheek.

_Stop it._

Javi, the bastard, shrugs cockily, and tilts his head in that way he does when he's trying to get Yuzu riled for a challenge. The way Yuzu's blood warms is instantaneous. 

"Well I'm not bad," Javi murmurs. "I've had practice."

Yuzu snorts. "I know." 

Javi smirks, but it's an honest statement on Yuzu's part. He does know. Everyone in the skating community has seen Javi kiss some girlfriend or another, he doesn't exactly keep his relationships in the shadows. It's another thing Yuzu quietly envies. 

"So?" Yuzu asks after a pause. 

"So," Javi drawls, finally pulling back to flicker his gaze between Yuzu's eyes. "I've kissed, and you haven't."

Yuzu's face twitches. "Yes Javi," he says simply.

"So," Javi drawls again. Yuzu wants to pinch the end of his nose. "Do you want to kiss too?"

Yuzu frowns. "I just say I can't."

"That's the thing," Javi says. "I get it. You're famous, so you can't kiss a stranger. But that doesn't change the fact that you want to kiss someone, right?"

"Well," Yuzu starts, then stops briefly to think. "Yes, but-'

"Okay, see!" Javi says brightly. "So you want to?"

Yuzu sighs. "Yes Javi, but-"

"Then I have an idea."

The sound of Javi's voice is tainted with something - something new. It sounds dark; inviting and dangerous, lilting slightly outside of his usual lisp. It sounds like velvet stroked the wrong way, familiar and yet not; rough. Yuzu's throat sticks.

"Idea?" Yuzu rasps, doubtfully.

"Yes,” then there’s a pause. "You could kiss me."

Yuzu's brain halts. 

Yuzu vaguely registers the fact that Javi is still talking - _I'm not a stranger so you don't have to worry_ \- but it's foggy and distant, like the edges of a dream. That's what this has to be.

Breath taking a frantic turn, Yuzu discreetly pinches the underside of his thigh through his sweats. Hard. It hurts and it's real. Oh it's real. 

Yuzu is an expert at suppressing urges. As soon as his eyes dip across the curve of Javi's collarbone, or along the valley of his chest and stomach, down, down, _down_ , he always snaps himself back, turning away, scolding himself silently and viciously. It's a hard bargain to maintain; to receive the best training in the world, to train with the best man in the world, and have to constantly teeter the line between friendship and _too much_. So much so that Boston had been the final step, that last push Yuzu needed to jump off the tightrope all together. It's necessary, he told himself every morning as he arrived at the rink, repeated it until it slotted itself into every single one of his cells. He can't have Javi.

But God, does he _want_. 

And Javi is right here, offering. 

He has to be asleep.

Javi must notice the distant look on his face because he halts whatever he is saying, gazing at Yuzu tenderly.

"You stopped listening, huh?" Javi says. 

Yuzu just nods. Javi tuts at him, eyes glinting.

"Well that's rude," Javi teases. "I was just saying; it's not anything serious, you want to kiss but a stranger would be too dangerous, you can't have a relationship and I'm safe in this, it's not like I'm going to spread it around." 

"Javi is drinking too much," Yuzu says tightly.

Javi rolls his eyes. "I've had two beers. Besides, that's not what this is about," Javi says, patting Yuzu's leg. "You're my friend and I care about you. It's not fair that you've never gotten to kiss someone because you're too busy focusing on - on literally anything else." 

"That's not fair."

Javi's thumb grazes over his thigh. "What do you want?"

 _Nothing you can actually give me_ , Yuzu doesn't say. But that's not really fair either. 

"You-" Javi pauses, turning his head away. He chews his words for a second and Yuzu's eyes find the way the muscle of his jaw ticks under his skin. He's close enough that Yuzu could press his lips to it, soothe it with his tongue. Yuzu swallows again, forcing his eyes away.

"You took care of me this weekend," Javi says, making a noise in his throat when Yuzu goes to protest. "You did. You help me a lot. And now I want to take care of you."

It's an exaggeration, but it's nice to hear all the same. Yuzu hadn't done anything for Javi that Javi himself hasn't done a thousand times; watching Javi, encouraging him, making sure he wasn't getting dragged down into his own grievances with the competition. Yuzu has spiralled before, more than once, and he knows how tempting it is to fall into the crushing sensation in your chest - the agony of losing. Javi isn't built like him in that regard, it won't be as deep, or as biting for him, but it's still a painful ache, to try and fail. Javi is always trying, had tried his best that weekend. It hadn't been good enough, but Yuzu still saw it, still wished - even as he welcomed Shoma and Nathan onto his podium - that Javi had been against his side instead. Seeing him prowl around the gala practice, half sad and half angry, hadn't sat well with Yuzu, so he'd called him over, wrapped him up in a hug, and felt how Javi was quivering like his spine was trying to fight its way out. Yuzu had pushed his fingers deeper into his back, soothed him quietly and Javi went momentarily boneless. By the time they had gotten to the gala itself Javi was all smiles, hanging off of Yuzu's neck and stroking his arms like he was trying to give Yuzu all his freely given warmth back, eyes shining so brightly. 

It had made Yuzu feel special.

"Is that this?" Yuzu mutters.

"Sure," Javi says, light and agreeable.

"That's weird."

"It's only weird if you make it weird."

Yuzu scoffs. "So simple."

Javi's smile is unfamiliar. "Sometimes things are simple, Yuzu."

Yuzu mulls that over, Javi shifting occasionally in his peripheral. If Yuzu didn't know any better he would have thought he was nervous. 

For a second, Yuzu wonders if any of this has to do with Miki. She and Javi had been in a tight spot for a while, and Yuzu had turned his back instead of watching Javi slowly turn bitter. He’d heard Javi mention to Brian last week that his relationship with Miki wasn’t going to affect his training anymore, and the hard edge in his words suggested they were over. Yuzu had never gotten around to asking - if he ever even planned on doing so in the first place. He figured it would have come up at some point. Yuzu usually makes a point of asking Javi as little about his relationships as possible. It makes sense though, as to why Javi had been so tense all weekend; how he kept holding his hand out to Yuzu and then ripping it away before he thought Yuzu noticed; how he had sank into Yuzu’s hug like someone had cut his strings. 

"This is simple?" Yuzu finally asks. "Us kissing?"

Saying it out loud makes him blush, sudden enough that he knows his cheeks have turned a violent shade of red. Something brushes down the side of his face. The smooth drag of Javi's knuckles is familiar, settles something in his veins like water over lava, cooling and strengthening. 

Javi doesn't answer him. Instead he presses his palm to Yuzu's other cheek and uses it to turn Yuzu towards him. Yuzu goes easily.

"Look at me," Javi murmurs. Yuzu does and instantly regrets it. Javi's eyes are so dark. "It's just me, Yuzu. It's just me."

Yuzu wants to tell him that's the _problem_ , but the words are lodged too deep.

 _Please_.

 _Please_.

"Just practice?" Yuzu asks, voice a near whisper.

Javi's thumb sweeps over his cheek. "Yeah, just practice."

With gentle hands Javi maneuvers Yuzu until he's also on his knees on the couch, facing him. Javi parts his thighs and settles comfortably, shuffling Yuzu forward by his waist until he's sat between Javi's legs. Yuzu stares down at the bulging muscle of Javi's legs through his jeans, and pokes at them curiously to distract his mind from focusing on how close together they are. Javi's hand catches his and gives it a squeeze. The size of his thighs, his hands, the thicker waist; the picture of them against his own makes Yuzu feel very small all of a sudden, and he pulls his shoulders back in retaliation. 

Yuzu trembles when Javi's free hand cups his jaw. The press of Javi's palm is too hot on his flushed skin, burning like a brand, and Yuzu is scared that if Javi was to pull his hand away, the shape of his fingers would be left behind like an imprint of his shame, a reminder that he never wants Javi to let go. 

Yuzu's chest heaves as the rush of feelings overwhelms him. Javi is inching closer, dark eyes fixed on his mouth, and his breath is on Yuzu's lips and it's too much, it's _too much_. Yuzu turns his head at the last second, his cheek moving from Javi's palm and the cool air where it had lingered suddenly stings.

It takes every ounce of self-control he has to keep still.

Yuzu sees Javi's shoulders sag, and refuses to think about Javi being in some way disappointed. Javi's huff of laughter is tight as he rests his forehead against Yuzu's temple instead. The familiarity of it aches.

"What happened?" 

The words tremble through Yuzu's cheek, almost like he could bite down on them. But Yuzu doesn’t have an answer for him. It’s not as though he can say _I’ve been trying not to think about this exact moment for 4 years_ , as true as it may be. 

“Not now,” is what Yuzu manages to force out. Javi sighs through his nose. “You had beer-”

“It’s just two beers, Yuzu, I can barely feel them.”

“-So we practice tomorrow.”

Javi draws back and tilts his head at him. Yuzu meets his eyes resolutely, though his face is still burning. 

“Tomorrow,” Yuzu says again, willing his voice to stay steady. “Javi doesn’t kiss boys, or for practice. So you ask again with no beer and I’ll believe you.”

Yuzu's breath stutters at the way Javi's eyes light up fiercely.

“Okay,” Javi agrees, grinning dangerously. Yuzu wants to kiss the very edges of it. He has to stop himself from physically shaking that particular thought away. 

“You come to my room and ask me again tomorrow, after the banquet. I won’t drink.” He says it firmly, and dammit if that doesn’t make something inside Yuzu squirm. “You come to my room, and I’ll give you the best kiss of your life.”

Yuzu could say no. Yuzu could lie to both Javi and himself and say he doesn’t want anything to do with this. He could tell Javi that he won’t come back to Javi’s room tomorrow night, that he’d rather go to bed and forget all this happened. Javi would let him go in a heartbeat if he asked. But Yuzu knows Javi means it. He can _see_ it. Fuck, he can practically taste it. 

Yuzu tilts his chin up defiantly. “Fine.”

Perfect. Now he has 24 hours to figure out how to come to terms with _this_.


	2. The Favour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzu wants to be here, dammit he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i'm so sorry this took so long but here it is, finally!!
> 
> sorry in advance if there are any mistakes

In hindsight, maybe Yuzu should have attempted to barter for longer than 24 hours - a week, or like, a year would have been much more agreeable - because while Yuzu generally believes that waiting only makes things worse, there's no making this any easier. 24 hours or a year later, standing at Javi's hotel room door, mentally preparing himself to be-

God, he can't even _think_ it.

Yuzu is annoyed. There's no other word for it. He's apprehensive, jittery, and straight up fucking annoyed. His phone burns a hole in his pocket, the text he received from Javi earlier unopened. He didn't need to read it, the preview of the message was perfectly clear.

A kissing emoji and an "I'm back". 

It had pissed Yuzu off on sight. 

Part of Yuzu wanted to text back telling Javi that if he's going to be a cocky bastard then the agreement is off the table, but even Yuzu can’t deny that the cockiness is half the fun. It’s not often Javi is openly cocky. Quietly confident he’ll be able to accomplish his best, sure, or hopeful that everything will turn out right, absolutely. But Javi is only cocky when- when he’s flirting. 

A rush of heat hits Yuzu’s face. The thought of turning away from Javi's door makes his hands shake.

Leaving would be strangely dishonest - both to himself and to Javi. Yuzu snorts quietly and shakes his head, cursing himself in his head. He spares Javi another quick curse too.

He wants to be here, dammit he does, which is the crux of it. And the crux of his anger. Yuzu is mad at himself, which isn't a new experience, but this time it's biting and specific, and a mental failing rather than a physical one. It cuts a little deeper than usual, Yuzu supposes, taking in the sight of the number beside Javi's hotel room.

Yuzu sighs and pushes the heels of his palms into his eyes until he sees stars. But it doesn't stop him thinking.

He knows that if he wanted to back out Javi would let him. Yuzu can picture the expression Javi would make perfectly; the soft, puppy dog look. He’d take Yuzu’s face in his hands so tenderly and apologise over and over again until Yuzu physically had to stop him. Even then it would take a particularly sharp nudge for Javi to get the point. 

But Yuzu wants to be here. 

Yuzu takes three quick breaths and on the third he knocks on the door.

Javi appears with suspicious haste.

Yuzu blinks. "Is Javi wait for me?"

Yuzu doesn't get an answer because as quick as he appeared, Javi is gone again, beckoning Yuzu into the room. All Yuzu catches is a flash of a grin.

"Come in, sorry, I just got back a minute ago," Javi says, back turned. He glances over his shoulder. Yuzu waits in the doorway hesitantly. "Why are you being shy?"

If Yuzu didn't know better he would call Javi out on suspicion of him being drunk.

His eyes are sparkling and he's a little flushed despite the cool temperature of the room. Yuzu gives him a cautious once over, but Javi's hands are steady, so Yuzu shrugs it off. Javi's probably just excited from having been able to see everyone despite the lack of banquet. Yuzu, meanwhile, had spent most of the afternoon having a stress bath, much to his own embarrassment. At least his neck has stopped sweating. Javi's glowing a little though, his forehead has a faint sheen that shouldn't be quite as attractive as it is.

“Is everything okay?” 

Yuzu blushes, and realises Javi is looking at him now, brow pinched with concern. He nods and rushes into the room. The door closes a little too loudly behind him.

“Just check you keep the promise,” Yuzu lies. 

Javi rolls his eyes and drops easily onto the end of his bed, finally facing Yuzu fully. “I told you, not a single drink,” he says, and draws a cross over his chest. “You can even smell my breath if you want.”

Yuzu’s nose crinkles. “No thank you.”

Javi’s flashes him a cheeky grin, and as soon as he opens his mouth, Yuzu knows what he’s going to say. He eyes him warningly, the annoyance prickling back in.

“If Javi making jokes about kissing, I’m leaving,” Yuzu cuts in, and Javi’s teeth click with how quickly his mouth closes. 

Good.

There’s a few seconds of tense silence as Javi’s jaw works. Eventually, Javi looks away with a little laugh, palms rubbing over his thighs uncomfortably. 

“Sorry,” Javi says, quieter than before. “I know this isn’t a joke for you.”

Yuzu frowns. “Is it a joke for Javi?”

Javi looks at him sharply. “You think I would offer this as a joke?” 

Stubbornly, Yuzu refuses to believe his question was unfair. “I don’t know,” Yuzu says truthfully. “It’s-”

Yuzu pauses as Javi tilts his head at him. Yuzu sighs. “It’s not Javi.”

There's a beat where Javi gives Yuzu a long look from head to toe, not even attempting to disguise the scrutiny as anything other than what it is. Yuzu bears it. Just. 

Eventually Javi says, "Clearly it _is_ me, because _I_ offered."

Yuzu side-eyes him. 

"And besides, it doesn't matter," Javi declares with a clap. "We made a deal, and I keep my deals. Especially with friends." 

Yuzu snorts. "Javi is good friend." When Javi smiles, he continues, "Don't get big head."

"Why would I get a big head over a nice compliment?" 

"Not-" Yuzu starts, and then waves his hand in place of attempting to say _compliment_. Javi gets it. "Just saying."

Javi smiles wider. The almost sickening thud in Yuzu's chest would be embarrassing if it wasn't so familiar. He rolls his eyes - both at himself and the way Javi visibly puffs his chest out a little.

It’s annoying in itself how the easy back and forth kills most of Yuzu’s anger. Part of him wants to fight for it, to pull back the lingering bitterness that lurks around the edges his awareness, to spit it out at Javi, to demand they get on with it so he can leave and try to piece back together what he knows is going to break under Javi’s mouth. It’s infuriating that Javi is able to tease him - or try to. The unsettling feeling makes Yuzu want to clench his jaw until his teeth ache, to press his nails into the top of his spine until the irritation dulls to a simmer. 

"How is dinner?" Yuzu asks instead, letting himself settle against the wall.

That gets Javi going. Unfortunately, it also gives Yuzu some time alone with the viciousness of his brain. Yuzu tries not to think about how he's standing, refuses to think about what to do with his hands, ignores the phantom itch in his shoulders that pulls them high around his ears as Javi launches into various anecdotes from several skaters he knows Yuzu both knows and likes. Yuzu zeros in on the way Javi gestures animatedly along with whatever he's saying, focuses on the way Javi's mouth curls around his words, and turns away any thoughts that want him to sink his teeth into his own lip and pretend it’s Javi’s.

There's nothing physical that can hold his interest quite like Javi can. There's nothing at all that pulls him out of his own body like watching Javi's move. 

Yuzu wants to curse himself again but can't find the energy.

"-and Patrick said that- Yuzu?" 

It takes everything in him not to startle. "And Patrick said?"

Javi continues happily. Yuzu gets to just look at him for a while longer. It feels like a relief; to be able to look. It's okay now. Surely. Javi was the one who crossed the line first, even if it's still within the supposed bounds of friendship. Javi is - Yuzu takes a deeper breath - Javi is going to kiss him. So Yuzu is allowed to look, allowed to admire, without guilt, _once_. 

And Javi looks _good_. He's taken extra care with his hair, trimmed his beard, wearing one of his nice shirts that he usually claims only exist for dates. It's not plaid or one he'd shove on under a suit jacket and call it a day. It looks soft, silky almost, and he's rolled the sleeves up because of course tonight is providing material for every one of Yuzu's future intrusive thoughts. Yuzu, in his baggy sweatpants and hoodie, feels starkly underdressed. 

"So it was fun," Yuzu says when Javi eventually trails off. 

Javi regards him warmly. "It was!" He says. "I like seeing everyone before Christmas." _Before the big competitions_ is what Javi actually means; when everyone gets steadily more determined and tense, more distant. It's a casualty of individual sports, even within training groups. Yuzu and Javi, too, drift more easily in the run up to world's. 

"You could always come, you know," Javi says, and then continues even as Yuzu shakes his head. "You could! They want to see you more."

It's never going to happen, but the loneliest parts of Yuzu never stop being grateful for the reminder. Regardless, he shakes his head again. Javi sighs.

"Well," Javi starts, the stiffness in his jaw returning, visible even from Yuzu's awkward perch across the room. "I hope you change your mind one day."

There's a pause before Yuzu replies, quietly, "I won't."

The resignation on Javi’s face hurts more than it should. So does the smile.

"Well, it doesn't matter," Javi says, and then eyes him oddly. "Why are you still over there?"

Instead of saying _I'm scared about what will happen if I get any closer because I know I'm going to like this too much_ , Yuzu just pushes off the wall with a shrug. He goes to move towards the bed, but before he can Javi is already standing in front of him.

For a second, panic wells up in Yuzu's stomach.

"Hey, hey, hey," Javi murmurs. Yuzu flinches as Javi crowds up to him, the touch of Javi's hand on his cheek achingly familiar. There's a hint of laughter in Javi's voice, when Yuzu glances up his face is open and friendly. "I promised you a good kiss, I wouldn't just attack you."

Yuzu floods with embarrassment. Javi chuckles, which doesn't make him feel better. He smacks Javi on the chest lightly, and Javi, predictable to the core, pulls Yuzu in, cuddles close. And despite everything, all his anger and his fear, it's so _easy_ for Yuzu to forget that in favour of Javi's warmth.

Yuzu settles into the crook of Javi's neck like he has a thousand times before. He's wearing a new cologne, Yuzu thinks, pressing closer just to check, and Javi sighs against his skin. It shouldn't be possible, how his heart quickens and feels lighter in equal measure. Javi's body is familiar against his; the hard line of his shoulders against Yuzu's cheek, the softness of his shirt against Yuzu's nose, the tender graze of his fingers up and down his back.

It's not fair. It's not fair that everything about Javi feels sweet and inviting. It's not fair that Yuzu's first instinct is to curl into him as deeply as he can, and then for everything in his body to fight - desperate to spring away. He goes to do just that, but Javi is shushing him all of a sudden, tightening his hold.

"There's no one here," is all Javi says but it draws the fight out of Yuzu immediately.

He wants to tell Javi that’s not the point - that it’s not because they’re alone. The room could be stacked wall to wall with people they know, and even then Yuzu would have to dig deep to find the will to pull away. It’s not about anyone else other than himself - him and Javi and what this does to him. 

It’s a lot, to be a safe and still in Javi’s arms.

But, that's not something Javi will ever know.

Yuzu has no other choice, really, than to let himself savour every second of it.

"What did you do with your evening?" Javi asks.

"Nothing," Yuzu mumbles. "Watch my program."

"Of course," Javi says fondly, drawing back, the solid press of his palms dragging over Yuzu's sides, tickling him slightly. He smiles when Yuzu squirms. Yuzu keeps his arms around Javi's neck, fixes his gaze on the curve of Javi's collarbone peeking out of his shirt so he doesn't have to see that smile up close.

"You're nervous," Javi says. It's not a question.

"I'm nervous."

There's no point in lying. When Javi wants to, he can read Yuzu as easily as his own family. 

_Of course, now he's paying attention_ , Yuzu thinks, smiling wryly.

"What would make you less nervous?"

Yuzu snorts.

"No kissing?" Javi asks, lisp a little stronger. Yuzu shakes his head. "Then what?"

Yuzu wishes he had an answer to give him, but there isn't one.

"I can keep talking about Patrick, if you want."

Yuzu wheezes before he can stop himself. He shoves his face back into Javi's shoulder to muffle his laughter, feeling Javi laugh with him. 

"I guess that's a no?" Javi teases.

"No!" Yuzu squeaks. "No Patrick! Anything not Patrick!"

Javi squeezes his sides. "Okay, okay, not Patrick." 

Yuzu snorts again, snuggling back in out of habit. "No one either."

When Javi starts using his grip of Yuzu's hips to gently sway Yuzu's body, he moves with it easily, laughing easily too. It's like a piece of home; like they're on the ice, goofing around and Javi doing what he knows makes Yuzu smile. 

"So," Javi drawls. "What should we talk about?"

But that - that sets the fire back off in Yuzu's chest; the too smooth voice, the darkened tone, the way Javi's breath feels on his neck. Even Javi's palms feel hotter.

"I don't know," Yuzu stutters, feeling like a teenager again. 

He isn't sure what he hates more; the fact that he feels so wrong-footed, or the fact that it feels exhilarating and he likes it. It's new and it's dangerous, and there's a giddiness overwhelming the anger inside. God he can't stop blushing.

"Yuzu," Javi sing-songs, teasing just a little. "What should we talk about?"

Yuzu just buries his face deeper into Javi's shoulder. 

"Okay, then I'll start."

_Oh god._

"Could you look at me for this bit?" Javi asks. 

Yuzu whines. "No."

He tenses as Javi goes quiet, and tries to breath as he feels Javi edge closer, his nose grazing the shell of Yuzu's ear. 

"Okay," Javi whispers finally, so close Yuzu has to suppress his shudder. "Not yet."

***

Thankfully, it isn't as awkward as it could be when they detach from each other, though Yuzu knows his face is bright red. He manages to sneak a glance at Javi's face, and his chest heaves when he sees Javi looks just as affected as him. Javi has a flush crawling up his neck and over his jaw, and Yuzu has to stop his hand as it moves automatically, wanting to soothe Javi in some way.

But, blushes aside, moving to the little couch is painless. They curl close together as Javi pulls out his phone to go through some selfies from the gala and his dinner. Yuzu asks him to send him a couple, and it kills time, but the atmosphere of the room feels like it's made of treacle, and there's no space for any timid conversation. 

The quick silence, then, surprises neither of them.

Javi has a hand on Yuzu's thigh again, stroking absentmindedly. Yuzu stares at it, wondering if Javi even knows he's doing it. Probably not. 

"Javi," Yuzu says. "Can I talk?"

He watches Javi's hand tense and stop as Javi catches himself.

"Of course."

"It feels bad, right now," Yuzu says, bluntly and quickly. "It feels that Javi thinks this is fun." 

Yuzu glances up to Javi's face. He's watching him warily.

"Javi is good friend, and important," Yuzu has to swallow. "I don't want bad things to happen, after."

Everything else gets locked up tight, but it's incredibly cathartic to be able to say as little as he did.

"Is that why you're so nervous?" Javi asks, and Yuzu just nods because it's easier. "I wouldn't offer if I didn't think we would be okay, I offered because I wanted to say thank you, and because - well you deserve something a little normal."

Yuzu looks back at the hand on his thigh. "Favour," he says, matter of fact. More to himself than Javi. 

"Yeah, a favour," Javi says, and then Yuzu can hear his smile. "Hopefully a good one."

A favour. He can do that. It’s certainly easier than _practice_. 

Yuzu, face and throat burning, is so tired. And despite whatever whirlwind is raging in his mind, he wants to be kissed so _badly_.

"Okay," Yuzu mumbles.

A finger hooks under Yuzu's chin, and Javi gently eases his face upwards. Javi's eyes are the same as they always are, and his jawline is still red. Everything about him is so familiar, and Yuzu is never going to be able to get any of it out of his head ever again. 

"Can I?"

Yuzu nods.

And then Javi is kissing him. 

There's a flash in Yuzu's head. It's not fireworks, it's not fire, it's everything he thought would never happen. It's the dry press of Javi's lips on his, and his brain just cuts away; it removes everything except the sensation of it; fixates on the way Javi lingers before drawing away, to tilt his head, to bring Yuzu back in and to take his mouth sweetly again. 

It shouldn't be all that exciting, not really, but Yuzu can't stop trembling. His fingers clench into Javi's arms as he kisses back as best he can. He wants to be good at this, wants to make it feel good for Javi too. It's easy to get the rhythm, but now he knows how Javi likes to kiss; knows that Javi keeps pulling away ever so slightly, to adjust or just to give out a quiet, happy sigh, or to gently nudge their noses together. And every single detail is going to burrow its way deep into Yuzu and take root for the rest of his life.

 _I'm ruined_ , Yuzu thinks blearily as Javi's hand makes his way into his hair.

When Javi pulls away again, further this time, fingers tracing the back of his neck, the distance kills him. 

"Good?"

Yuzu's answering hum is lost in their breath as he pulls Javi back in.

_I'm ruined._

After that its a blur. There's nothing but the hands on his thigh, on his neck; Javi's scent; Javi's stubble against his skin; Javi's body under Yuzu's touch. 

Everything is soft and slow, the opposite of what Yuzu knows Javi to be, and that alone is making him shake. The little moments where he'd wondered, alone in his room, what this would feel like and he could never have imagined this. It's overwhelming. Javi isn't rushing through it, isn't being cocky or smug, he's stroking his thumb over Yuzu's cheek, and holding him gently like he's something to cherish, nothing like the sturdy way he hugs him, or holds Yuzu's hands at a gala. 

He's holding Yuzu like he loves him.

 _I should have said no_ , Yuzu thinks as he pushes closer. Yuzu should have just laughed in Javi's face, pulled away, ran away, anything other than accept his ridiculous offer. Because now it'll never go away. He knows what Javi _feels like_ ; Yuzu knows how to make Javi _feel good _. He knows that stroking the side of his neck makes him tremble a little. And even in the deepest, darkest, loneliest nights where he let himself even briefly imagine what this would be like, he never considered that it would make him feel powerful.__

____

____

It should feel weak, giving up a part of himself to Javi like that, but it doesn't. Yuzu feels like he could conquer anything, and the unexpectedness of that will taste sour later, maybe even hurt.

But for now - for now, he doesn't want this to stop.

"Javi," Yuzu whispers against his mouth. Javi leans back, hazy-eyed and happy. "Thank you for favour."

The grin Javi gives him is worth everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this took far too long to be updated but i hope u all liked what i ended up with~
> 
> i have a longer project in the works that i'm gonna throw all my energy into, so i hope u look forward to that!!
> 
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> im very tired so im kinda dumping this and running but i hope u's enjoyed it!! i dont think it was what my gc was aiming for and its So Far outside of my comfort zone but i think i like what it turned into uwu lemme know what u's think
> 
> see everyone in part 2!! when kissing Actually Happens!!


End file.
